Eight Steps for Surviving the Holidays with Sanity

It comes up every year. Whether it’s in sessions with clients, comments from students, or conversations at social gatherings.

“There’s so much to do, I can’t get it all done.”

“I used to love the holidays, but it’s not as much fun anymore.”

Every year, I hear women talk about the pressures they feel around the holidays.

So many of them fall into the common habit of pleasing others first and themselves last. Some of them don’t get around to pleasing themselves at all.

If you’re feeling trapped around holiday pressures, here are eight steps to sanity:

Step #1: Evaluate Your History

Are there activities you’ve been doing for years, but now you’re dragging your heels? Many holiday events are voluntary. Do you always host a neighborhood holiday party… always attend someone else’s… promise to bake cookies for your charity’s annual event…? Do you really want to see the Nutcracker one… more… time?

Start with a list of these precedents from the past, without putting them in any order.

Step #2: Clarify Your Feelings

Name your feelings by asking the following question for each item: “When I think about doing this activity, how do I feel?” Most feelings are subsets of four basic feelings: Glad, bad, mad or sad. For instance, joyful is “glad.” Burdened fits under “bad,” annoyed is a variation of “mad” and blah is “sad.” You might also feel mixed or uncertain. For example, are you disinterested in a friend’s open house, but don’t want to send ungracious signals? Mark items like these as “mixed.”

Step #3: Prioritize Your Positives

The activities you feel “glad” about probably give you energy rather than draining it away. But even too many of these can press you for time. So compare every “glad” item with each other “glad” activity by asking yourself: If I had to choose between only these two activities, which one do I feel MORE glad about? For each possible pair, circle the one that fits. Answer quickly, rather than mulling it over (to keep yourself in feelings, rather than slipping into thinking).

Step #4: Choose Between Challenges

The tricky stuff probably lies with the items that you feel “bad,” “mad,” or “sad” about. Compare these items with each other with this question: If I had to choose between only these two activities, which one do I feel LESS challenged about. Spontaneously circle the one that fits for each pair.

Step #5: Define Your Uncertainties

Follow the same process for the items that leave you feeling mixed: If I had to choose between only these two activities, which one do I feel LESS confused about. Circle the better fit for each possible pair.

Step #6: Count Your Choices

In each of your three categories, count the number of times you chose each item. If you chose two activities the same number of times, give an extra point to the one you prioritized when you chose between them.

Step #7: Lighten Your Load

Congratulations. You’ve now clarified your priorities for this year’s holidays! Your life is filled with routine demands at work and home. Holiday stuff is add-on, and most likely, two holiday-related activities are enough:

* Two “glad” items, keep them and nothing else!

* Three? Drop the lowest one.

* Four? Drop the lowest two.

* One “glad” item? Add no more than the top challenging one.

* No “glad” items? Stay with the two least challenges or one and the least mixed.

Step #8: Say Your “No”

Why go through all this? Because now you can send the following message to the contact people for everything else: “I’ve just completed an exercise for prioritizing my holidays, and sadly, I’ve discovered that I won’t be participating/attending this year. Have a wonderful time!”

You’ll be amazed at how freeing this will feel!

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You can listen to a version of this article in these two podcasts:

Holiday Sanity – Evaluate Your Priorities

Holiday Sanity – Expectations